Yesterday, one of my dearest, loving cousins, lost her mother. She is a hero to me, as she took care of her disabled mother for many years.
This made me think about how I often avoid talking about my own dad’s situation. I hadn’t even realized I have so many unprocessed feelings in me about it.
My dad has had at least two strokes in the past ten years. As a result, he no longer has a sense of direction. This most recent time I was back home in Brazil, I witnessed his struggle, trying to go from the bedroom to the bathroom - two doors, and 3 steps apart. I wanted to cry, scream, and even blamed myself for letting his situation get to this.
I have wondered sometimes if it is worth it, to live the way he’s living right now. He depends on someone to do probably 80% of his daily life activities.
I have had to make peace with myself, and understand that on some level (soul?), this was the path that he chose for himself.
One of the many lessons I have gotten from this situation is that I can love him even from afar. I pray for him, I send healing light, and I hold space for him when I think he is in need. I also respect his decisions even though I feel that he has been deciding to leave us little by little - unconsciously of course.
REMEMBER THE GOOD
I was my dad’s little girl, and I remember growing up having a great relationship with him.
Often, when I was a kid, he would take me on his bicycle when he was going to visit a client to fix their tv. This was one of his passions, fixing electronics - he would spend hours, lost in that world of codes to decipher, while I played by his side.
At other times he would give me my baths, let me stay in his bed with him when I was sick, take me to doctors’ appointments, the zoo, the circus – and sometimes, he would wait outside (maybe he didn’t have enough money to pay for both of us? Not sure…), and sometimes he would give me a spoonful of the food on his plate. For some reason the food he had on his plate tasted much better than mine, though it was the same food that it was on my plate!
Once, as a teenager, he took me to one my favorites singer’s concert because I had no one to go with, and when I was heartbroken at 19, he told me that “I would have many boyfriends in life before I found the one.” After I married, I would still sit on his lap, kiss and hug him, watch the news and listen to his jokes.
Having left Brazil many years ago now, to live in the United States, I haven’t had as much contact with him as I now wish I had, and some of my memories growing up have been lost to time. His caretaker is not someone I approve of, and I don’t get to have much say in his care at this point. I’m not sure what level of happiness he’s had in his life - I don’t get to know, and it’s not my right to judge the way I know he lived, and is now living.
The truth is, we all have our own paths to go through, and lessons to learn… that’s the tricky part about seeing someone we love going a way we define as “wrong” or “painful”. We want them (and us) to avoid this or that, but the Universe has a plan which is perfect, and a part of us… whether we like it or not.
FREEDOM TO LOVE
The great thing is that we live on an energy made planet, so we can love someone from anywhere we are.
I love you dad!
With all my heart…